How Journaling Helped me | Writing every week in notebook
There are always some things that we all have been grown up while listening to it. Maybe that's reading books is good or do not lie. But today, I want to talk about how growth journalling helped me.
I stopped journalling after 12th boards, exams went amazing, then you know what happened?
I stopped journaling. (okay I already said that already, but keep that in mind.) Then I got nervous as I had nothing to do, searching for a class, CA pressure, will I able to clear it? Loves writing, loves reading, loves business, what if I failed in the 12th exam?
Between the results of exams and results, there was a long time. To not waste time, I decided to join classes of CA (that normally what people do.)
I then joined classes for CA. I started to go there regularly. And after 4 months of going class, things were started to getting cluttered in my mind. weeds (not that drug, haha, unwanted plants I meant) start to grow on my mind. I couldn't focus on one thing for a long time. This may be called Burnout.
You can even see that I haven't written anything at that time (check out my telegram channel/blog from 1st April 2019 to Sept 2019.)
I keep going to class. Now, pressure starts to build up and clutter in my brain.
I was getting distracted very easily. not focusing on class (as classes were 3 hours long and nobody in my class) I used to even sometimes play games in classes.
I started to question why I am studying this much. Why I am doing CA? Lack of clear vision. And as weeds were already on my mind, there was no clear answer.
Then dad brought me a laptop because he had good confidence that I will pass 12th (and not get failed.)
Then I topped in whole class, and the feeling of arrogance starts to come up, more pressure on my brain.
So for my case, this was a deadly combination.
Arrogance + blurry goals + no clearity of values.
Exam dates were on the radar now.
I will clear it very easily. I have topped class 12th. Why do I need to study today?
And then exams got closer only 20 days.
Usually I got pretty stressed and get to study like there is no tomorrow. But this deadly combination was fueling my over-confidence then, during exams, the paper went good.
That's what I said to everyone.
And as I said everyone, it went good to the mind and it got convinced, "paper may have been actually got good because I am 12th class topper".
But the result was telling another story.
I failed the CA Foundation exam.
After results, I genuinely thought there was an ICAI mistake. But as I start to think, I get the answer. I was lying to myself.
I stumble across my journal. I saw the last entry. It was 27th march 2019. Last day of my class 12th. I takeout a black pen (CA style, haha). I wrote. FOR 3 HOURS.
Thoughts from day one to that exact moment of writing. I got everything on paper.
The mental pressure was extremely high.
From downloading dating apps (by the way, this has a pretty interesting story), from talking endlessly and arguing over the internet, from staying in the company of people I shouldn't be into how really my papers went, why I am writing journal at the present moment.
Then I started to learn from incidents that have already happened. This may be since I am now getting mind clarity. One incident, for example,
My younger brother's birthday also happened before 20 days of Nov 2019 exam. I couldn't enjoy it fully because I was worried about my studies.
After the birthday, I sit down to study, and next hour, I was watching YouTube videos.
LACK OF CLARITY.
I was writing. I have filled up whole 12 pages. (my hand was hurting, lol.)
5 March was the date I did journalling. Till 15 march. My journal got filled up.
2019 was the year,
I completed the least books.
I wrote least.
the spiritually lowest year (because of baggage I carried on my head with clutter and all)
I wasted this year
But with journalling in 2020
I have extracted life lessons from 2019.
Hence, 2019 was the year I learned most from.
It has allowed me to see where I was lacking in my life.
Giving them sufficient time to contemplate different aspects of my life. It was like taking the weight off my shoulders because now, I don't need to contemplate again.
I have already thought sufficiently. Freeing my cognitive brain to focus on the presence and task at hand.
And I will usually write a ton of shitty things but in the future, those are like fossils for your future self. You can see in future self (now stronger) reading this and appreciating the process you have gone through.
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Open your notebook journal, and write all these whatever you are feeling.
After filling the journal. the clarity was so much worth it.
That year I thought it was a fall, but I didn't know there was a trampoline at the end.
Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me.
Thank you Bulbul for the conversation that has inspired this essay.
Thank you Peter Olexa for the photo.